Chapter 1: A Pirate Looks At 25
Photo: Cape Lookout, Oregon - Kodak Portra 400, 120mm
There’s something that a lot of people don’t talk about when it comes to getting older. When you are young, there’s an abundance of emotions. New experiences around every corner, which begets emotion - good or bad ones. Those emotions you feel sink in, and create memories that are burned within you for a lifetime. All those emotions you feel so constantly during your adolescent years slow down time somehow. Don’t you remember those summer breaks feeling like a lifetime? Or how those 4 years of high school seemed entirely longer than the 4 proceeding that? What i’m talking about is how emotions seem to somewhat… dull over time. Or there’s just not enough new experiences to bring about those extreme memory-creating emotions - and it’s absolutely soul crushing when you think about it hard enough.
For the past three years, I worked a corporate job with a nice little salary, I lived in my own apartment, and I had a long-term girlfriend. From every thing I was taught growing up, this would be a typical measurement that one was living a “great life”. My bills were paid. I had someone to come home to every day. I could go out and buy the next best video game to play without breaking my bank. It was something that people yearned for, and I was living it.
But here’s the truth - I could not tell you a single thing of substantial note that happened those entire three years. They passed me up before I could even look at them, only now looking at them in the dust behind me. Sure, I had some great days. Birthdays, anniversaries, vacations. I felt joy, love, sorrow, happiness. But during those three years post college when I returned home to Denton after my stint as a camp counselor at Pali Adventures, there was a serious void of memory-striking emotions. I let life happen to me. It felt like I had no control over it. I was just carelessly clocking in my punch card every day, letting each day pass. At the tail end of those three years, this all culminated into the single most depressing thought I’ve had to date: “Is this the best it’s ever going to get?”
That thought led me into the deepest, darkest depression i’ve ever faced. “If this is the best it’s going to get, then what the fuck am I living for?”
Scrapping out of that hell was a process. My then-girlfriend and I split up, even though we loved each other, because we both knew for a while that weren’t truly meant for each other. I went on Lexapro, which might have been the best decision I’ve ever made (thanks, family-inherited mental illness). I soul searched for months on end to find that special thing that would finally make me happy.
But there’s not a special little thing that’s going to make you fulfilled. True fulfillment comes from getting your life back to a point where you can start grasping those radical emotions that can break into your mind and form those special memories that are key to growth. That all starts with creating a life that will always bring you new experiences.
So for the past two months, i’ve been straight up unemployed. Like, waking up at 4PM, watching the entire Lord of the Rings trilogy, eating a family sized bag of Ruffles, and going to sleep - type of unemployed. Definitely not the type of life that i’ve been droning on about creating. So, one day, I walked myself out of my self-induced sorrow, and applied to jobs at a ski resort in Lake Tahoe for the sole reason of living in Lake Tahoe. I secured one as a line cook. Is it the most glamorous job, one that’s going to get 200 likes and a heart reaction from that girl you wanted to impress (but who truly doesn’t care)? Probably not. Am I excited? You bet your sweet ass I am. But hey, I’ve got 2 months until then. What will I do?
Fuck it, I’ll build a micro camper in my Honda Fit and travel around the country. Because, why the hell not?
This may be a roundabout way of getting to my point, but it all kind of culminates to this - don’t let anyone tell you what you have to do to make you happy. Trust me, i’ve done it. I didn’t like it. In fact, I hated it. It’s your goddamn life. LIVE IT WHILE YOU’RE YOUNG. Christ, do you really want to finally go backpack Europe when you are 50 with a bad back and erectile dysfunction? Don’t you want your kids to look at old photos of you on your adventures and think “ah, shit, my dad was cool!” instead of “My dad sure looks like he’s excited about that Lean Cuisine he microwaved in the office kitchen”?
So, what will 25 bring you? Will it bring upon another year that will pass you by until you wake up 40 years old with your envisioned life laying only in your dreams? Will it bring you that promotion from a company who will lay you off at the drop of a stock market ticker? For me, it’s change. Drastic change. Cause that’s what you are going to remember when you are older and allowed to eat a family sized bag of Ruffles on the couch because goddamnit I deserve as break from the kids and I just want 10 goddamn minutes to myself - and so far, i’m fucking loving it.
Now I promise that the future chapters of this bastardized online journal of my travels will actually include tales of my travels and not sound like it’s being read out of a teenager’s heartbreak diary, but currently, it’s day 1. Hard to write about 24 hours of driving and sleeping in my car next to a swampy lake in Arkansas with mosquitos assaulting every vulnerable part of my body. Not very exciting stuff. I’m sure i’m in for a more tale-worthy time when I cross the Mason-Dixon line.
ALBUM RECOMMENDATION OF THE WEEK
Jimmy Buffett - A-1-A
Birthed from a Modelo-soaked lawn chair on a Florida beach is Jimmy’s first album, A-1-A. For you non ParrotHeads, this is not “Cheeseburger in Paradise” Buffett. This album is full of amazing songwriting, classic Jimmy vocals, and the feeling of a conflicted old soul trapped in a young man’s body.
